
i just can't oh my god[21:37:25] SWEET PRINCESS: lets play how many painkillers can shugs take at a time[21:38:42] ericamay: no please don't hurt yourself oh my god[21:46:38] SWEET PRINCESS: lol[21:47:39] ericamay: oh god no[21:47:44] SWEET PRINCESS: lol
He had spent years building this up -- this entire corporation was brought upon by the skills he secretly possessed. Walter Enterprises was a household name featured in the news multiple times and responsible for a myriad of new, wonderful inventions. He started from nothing but grief, using the determination of such a big dream to form the veil that prevented him from thinking of all the wrong he’d dealt with. He was almost positive that his dreams were impossible to reach and would take decades to fulfil, if anything. These dreams were not anything he sincerely longed for – he had no desire to become a corporate shark – but he was angry. He wanted to prove himself and turn his life around, to turn away from his old ways.
They said he’d get nowhere in life, but look at him now.
The thirty-year-old stared out the window with his hands clasped behind his back. The city buildings, many of which he either owned completely or held a share of, looked ghastly against the periwinkle of the pre-setting sky. They were crooked and mismatched – reminders of the concrete jungle he lived in. He couldn’t remember the grassy green fields or gentle flowers he used to come into contact with every day. He no longer recalled exactly how nice it felt to have the sun kiss his skin; in the city, the only things of nature that contacted him were the rain, snow, and diseased sun.
The brightness beyond his windowpane made his eyes burn and he turned away, looking at the rest of his apartment in utter disdain. The Monfort chaise that sat adjacent to the Alain Roguebuoy modern glass coffee table draped with luxurious Peruvian blankets, all beside the abstract piece of art he’d bought at the last art show he’d gone to. “Ridiculously overpriced,” he’d called it when he first set eyes on the bill. “A child may as well have done it.” Yet he’d bought it anyways. The vanity that came with money and power overwhelmed him in small, exponentially growing surges like tides lapping up on the shore, getting over closer to engulfing the sandcastle completely. He became everything he loathed as a youth and it filled him with dread as thick as molasses. What had he become?
He strode over to the kitchen, tucked neatly behind “invisible” glass stairs, and reached into the wine rack for an expensive bottle he’d reserved for when he’d finally propose to his girlfriend of however many months. Sliding down on the ground, he leaned against the refrigerator and popped the cork off. The liquid spilled on his expensive suit and on a regular day, it might have made him angry and that was pathetic. It was pathetic that he had run out of real problems and settled for lashing out at others for no good reason at all. It was pathetic that his heart was a null void and he couldn’t remember his girlfriend’s birthday. She was an annoying bitch who was only with him for his money. He’d been with so few people as a teen that it was only now he realized how gifted he’d been. Diana was angelic compared to this shallow bint who did nothing more than hang off his arms at social events. He was going to break up with that bitch because she smelled like the mount of the Upper East Side and dressed like a French socialite. He was going to break up with her because she had no concept of time and always took three hours to get ready before their dates. He was going to end it with her today, on her birthday, when he should have instead been getting ready to collect her for their eight o’clock reservations at Iliac. He stood up for a second to grab the phone that sat on the counter; it rang five times before switching to the voicemail. ”Hello, you’ve reached...”
“We’re over. I mean, happy birthday and I hope you enjoy it, but we’re over. You can pick up the reservations at Iliac and put it on my tab, but we’re done. It’s nothing you’ve done; I just can’t stand you in the slightest. Don’t call back.”
He hung up and went back to drinking. The alcohol gave him clarity, it wiped away the steam that had formed in the heat of his endeavours and returned him to his old self. It was under that influence that he’d stretched out to accomplish something better – something to really influence the world more than some household electronic ever could. Pushing himself off the hardwood floors with his free hand, he sat the bottle on the counter and walked past the expensive furniture, around a corner and up to a painting that stood out from the others. It was scintillating and entrancing – the only bit of decorative art in his penthouse apartment that meant a thing to him. It was painted by an old friend of his, a daughter of Iris who’d seen him through thick and thin but lost touch with him when he fled the camp. His hands calmly rose to unhook the picture from the wall and set it gently against the one adjacent him. Beneath it was a single, small bump in the wall that anyone would have disregarded but his wealth and social stature had seen pure perfection and the fact it remained there was no mistake. Pushing down on it hard revealed that the bump was actually a button and the wall really a door, pivoting silently on the spot. Standing against the wall, it turned with him on it until he was in a whole other room.
The room was a great expanse lit by garish lights that brought out the flaws in everyone but also left no option for concealing anything. Along the north wall were various hand-crafted weapons undoubtedly sought-after by militias worldwide. They didn’t have the resources he did; all the scientists fear and money could buy couldn’t equate the powers that coursed through him. He let his hands graze against a crossbow if only to feel the metal beneath his fingertips. It was good to feel real metal for once, aside from the stainless steel of appliances and the cool gold of a watch. His gaze was shifted to the corner behind him where tools and pieces of metal encircled a slick, smooth-looking vehicle that was finally complete. This was the start of his new life.
An aged man in a suit cleared his throat, making it apparent that he was present and the other man turned to face him.
“Mister Clarence, you have a phonecall.”
“So you never really got over Oliver, did you?” he asked.
“I’m completely over him.” I spat a little more poisonously than I should have, but he paid no mind. He looked at me, his wide eyes contradicting me in a way that screamed, “If you were over him, then why did you spend so long just looking at him?” but he didn’t verbalize these feelings because I’d only retaliate and make the situation worse. He continued on.
“So you tell yourself that you don’t care about them, or what they do,” he paused to lick his lips against the cool wind that made me dig my hands into my pockets. “But in reality, you can’t really go that far to say. No matter how they may have hurt you, you still hold some place for them in your heart however small you might tell yourself that space is. For example, even though you hate Victoria from all she’s put you through, and your sudden realization of such, you still would never wish death or misfortune upon her, would you?” He cut his pause short, not allowing me time to answer, as if he saw the fists balling up in my pockets. ”No, I know you and you’re better than that, but I don’t trust the judgements you’d make in anger. But with all reasoning, you still had good times with her and if she didn’t turn out to be such a villain, you’d enjoy those moments in memory.” He paused for breath, and to reorganize his thoughts once more, like a speaker on a stand looking over his cue cards again.
“The same goes for those you fancy, but to a somewhat higher degree. Somewhat, though, because when you look back on this moment later on in life, you probably won’t feel like this whole crush process was a big deal. But, anyways, when you have a crush on someone, the mixture of serotonin and dopamine and adrenaline – it gives you the sort of high that drug users constantly seek. It’s such a valuable feeling, but knowing exactly how it makes us feel makes us exaggerate our emotions and call it love.” If I wasn’t paying attention, I wouldn’t have noticed his voice drop the smallest of pitches. “But it’s not love, it’s just a teenage phase. You don’t need to worry about Oliver, or Connor, or whomever your hormones may drive you to lust after, because the scariest thing I think about life is –” Sebastian exhaled and took another breath in, it was shaky either by the weather or by the stroke of genius he was on. “The scariest thing about life is that I believe no matter what decisions we make today, our futures are set in stone and it’s up to fate...It’s up to fate to decide how we lead our lives. Can you imagine it? This year – no, this chapter of our lives is focused on us and building our futureand learning this base for our education so we can be successful. But then, in this next chapter of our lives, after we’ve gotten our career paths chosen, we’ll find that perfect someone that we may have known for ages, or had never met before, and we’ll marry them. Just think, the person you were created to love is walking around the same ground you are and you don’t notice him. But, yeah, this next chapter of our lives is spent finding this perfect harmony between caring for ourselves and caring for them, and then caring for children, and suddenly you’re your parents – you’ve got to make all the decisions, and you’ve got to learn how to teach these kids to walk, and speak, and do algebra, and understand how lack of serotonin in the brain causes depression – you have to do all of that stuff!”
He stopped talking and I looked at him, he was shaking. He had never opened up to me like that – or at least not in a while. He rarely spoke of his personal philosophy but the complexity of his words, contrasting with the fact that I understood what he had meant to say so well. His appearance made me want to cry – the situation and the fact he had held so many years of thinking from me. He shocked me with a smile.
“I remember when we met – it was ten years ago but it doesn’t seem that long ago! It really makes me think how time moves so fast.” I was glad to see him brighter after that morbid conversation. “Anyways, the point of this is that I know how you feel. I was, and still (sort of) am in that situation and I tell myself all those little facts about dopamine, and all the simple, scientific reasoning behind even the most confusing of human emotions – love – but sometimes I don’t have the patience for common sense – even if it might save me. I don’t have any more patience then than I would have if I had three minutes to jump from a cliff and someone told me to use primary trigonometric ratios to calculate the distance between myself and a ledge to potential safety.
“But I want you to have all of those facts, just in case you need them – in case you’re able to use common sense to reason yourself out of this foolish mess thatis teenage romance, because I’m afraid this stupid heart of mine won’t stop begging for more than it can have, and my brain can’t keep up with the urgency of its beating.”
Although his language was beyond my own, I was used to the poetic, beautiful way with which he spoke. His friendship was a gift that Victoria would never appreciate if she got the chance – thank God she didn’t, and hopefully never would.
“So does that mean you still like Seth?” I asked him, finding the voice to speak, though I cursed how abrupt my voice was, compared to his.
Seb’s eyes were the clearest windows to the soul there ever were; no matter what he was saying or doing, you could clearly see his emotion clearly in his eyes. He was like a fawn, and when he looked at me, I saw sorrow reflected in them. “Yeah,” he answered, finally.
Hey let’s rant about that cunt in my French class HOORAY.
So first of all, she boasts about her French heritage so much that even when she’s not boasting literally, she’s sort of boasting. Everything about the way she carries herself out. She’s obnoxiously loud and probably thinks she’s really charismatic when, in reality, she’s just really fucking annoying. She constantly has conversations with the teacher in the middle of class without putting her hand up as if to, once again, boast about herself. As I’ve told people many times before, she puts the huge cock in “proud like a peacock”. I may not pay attention at all in class, but I’d rather be learning the curriculum than what this ugly troglodyte had for dinner the night before — or whatever.
Today, while the teacher gave us time to work on our homework, she thought it would be fun to start talking about her opinions. First she preached on and on with her little group of spineless grade grovellers about how gays “choose” to like the same sex, or something. She gave some stupid examples about like, “when I see someone I like, I make the decision whether I want to go out with them or not,” and seemed to think that justified her point. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m absolutely fine with people having their own opinion, but she was straight up preaching. If anyone would try to get a word in edgewise, she’d just speak over them and whatever.
So in our little corner of the room, Meredith, Sergiu, Aimee and I tried to drown them out, literally speaking above them. Of course, I’m a passive-aggressive dick so when the topic of potatoes came up in conversation, I was basically speaking over everyone like, “HEY POTATOES ARE PRETTY GREAT. I THINK POTATOES ARE A REALLY INOFFENSIVE TOPIC LET’S ALL TALK ABOUT POTATOES.” And made a sly dig toward one of the points this girl used in her argument (something about how gays see gay people and choose to like that) and went like, “MAN I HAVE A FEELING THAT EVEN IF I’D NEVER SEEN A POTATO IN MY LIFE, I’D STILL LIKE POTATOES!”
Afterwards, I really could not stand that girl’s conversation at all and politely went to my teacher and asked her if I could go for a walk because “I really don’t like the conversation that’s going on over there,” and of course she let me go and apparently told them all to stop talking about that. I walked around the halls for a few minutes and realized my hand were really shaky and so I tried to calm myself down before going back to class.
The conversation transpired to another opinion of hers: god exists and basically anyone who says they don’t believe in god is WRONG. I sat there for the last fifteen minutes or so just BITING MY HANDS because I swear: if I hadn’t, I’d have probably gone over there and tried to shut her up myself — which would not be a good idea at all. As soon as the bell rang, I went to my locker and was just seething and then Lippa came by and I don’t know why but I sort of just broke down a little because that’s just the most wonderful thing I do when I’m angry: I cry like a faggot pussy. Lippa took me over to Andrea and they sort of commiserated with me though the only real words of explanation I could give, unless I wanted to actually start sobbing like a loser, was “I am really fucking angry.”
A gold star for my eloquence.
I wasn’t angry because she had an opinion that differed from mine, but rather because the way she spoke as if, ultimately, the words she spoke were golden. I also hated how her group sat by her in a sort of awe, agreeing with everything she said (when they didn’t agree, it’s not like they were given an opportunity to speak, anyways). I felt as if she was personally insulting me, without even knowing it, and because of that latter point, I was not being able to defend myself. I was eavesdropping — but it’s hard to not overhead a whispered conversation when it’s spoken through a megaphone, you know?
The icing to the fucking cake? In biology, Ms Bruni brought up how the Anthropology students had just learned that anthropologists believe humans teach themselves a lot of things and develop themselves through what they are presented (which was the argument this girl in French was making, however convoluted her application of the concept was). Ms Bruni then proceeded to touch upon the fact that a lot of things are in our genetic makeup.
Maybe I’d have more respect for this cunt if her arguments were sincere but now that I know she was just projecting the things she learned like light through a warped lens… Yeah, I don’t feel guilty for the things I say about her at all now.